XIII
May 7, 2018
There is no end to this conversation. Rather, I hasten
to correct myself: there is an end to it, obviously, and a very specific one at
that, with only the time and date to be determined.
I think it true to say that I have no fear of
death; what I fear is what might come before—the pain, the loss of mental
faculties and the physical incontinence, the need to be taken care of, the
indignity. My great wish is by then to have found the grace to be able to
weather all these travails, if called upon to do so, with a measure of serenity;
to not be a burden to others; to not give in to anger or fear; to not cling to
life in stubborn desperation; but rather to be present to this ultimate human
experience with equanimity, curiosity and tolerance. Buddhists believe the
death of the body to be a decisive moment in the accomplishment of karma: the
way a person dies will determine the nature of their incarnation. As I wrote
earlier, I am not able to commit myself to this article of faith. But no
matter: when all is said and done, a good death is the kind of death that I
aspire to.
I trust that my conversation will continue,
then, if I am fortunate enough to be granted the blessing of a rational and
inquiring mind right up until the moment when the time arrives for me to cross
the threshold at the end of life. That my essay comes to an end today, and on
this page, is purely arbitrary and provisional. Otherwise, as they say, I could
go on and on…
AFTERWORD
See…?
It’s hard to stop. I have an update on a couple of my earlier thoughts.
In
section I—you could hardly call them chapters, right?—I mentioned my political
blog, “The Rohrabacher Letters,” and my growing feeling that I was not
achieving very much in writing them. I justified my persistence in writing the
letters as a way to maintain my own consciousness about what’s happening in our
country and the world, and to satisfy the sense of civic responsibility that
has accompanied me throughout my adult life.
It was only a few
days later that I decided to put an end to “The Rohrabacher Letters”. The
decision had been brewing inwardly for some time, but the trigger was a meet
and greet session with a Democratic challenger in Rohrabacher’s district, a man
I felt I could whole-heartedly support. So the blog morphed instantly into a
new one, “Rooting for Dr. Hans,” in which I am able to give voice to my civic
duty in a more positive way. The change comes as a refreshing relief. Writing
in support of, rather than against, has breathed new life into my political
blogging activity and has afforded me a great sense of pleasure as I approach
my morning task.
Elsewhere, I
mentioned my decision to refrain from drinking alcohol. That was more than
three weeks ago, and I have kept to that decision. I’m still in the process of
observing the results in my health and clarity of mind. And I have nothing
dramatic, to report. Despite my expectations, I have experienced no significant
weight loss; if I’m to lose that excess weight I’m carrying around, I’ll have
to find another way. I feel perhaps a shade less sluggish when I wake up in the
morning, but again, the change is not as dramatic as I’d hoped. The mind is,
perhaps, a little sharper… Quite apart from all that, however, there is the
satisfaction in simply having abided by my decision. It has not been as hard as
I expected. And even so, if that’s all there is to show for it, to have
maintained integrity with myself in this way is no small thing.
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